Holy Oxymorons!
by A.V. O'Lennain
Summary: This is a story involving the Gang's reaction to a mysterious Vatican vampire Hunter in their midst...many things ensue


This takes place in an alternate reality to the one following the finale of the series…where Sunnydale survives the sacrifice Buffy makes, and the world hardly recognizes her sacrifice. The Urn of Osiris is not used to bring Buffy back, however; God for some reason revived her. This takes place as Dawn is finally adjusting to High School, and is beginning to be trained in the ways of the Slayer, under Giles. Our story begins as the Summers household awakens to a new day, with a disgruntled Buffy waking her notoriously lazy younger sister.

Another note: this is my first fan fiction, so be vicious in your reviews…I'm serious about being a writer and want this to be a GREAT fanfic..thanks

"Dawn, c'mon! If you're not down in five minutes, I will leave without you!"

Dawn returned in a distinctly muffled tone of disgust, "Is it THAT much to ask for five more minutes?"

"YES! Giles is breathing down my neck to get over to the Magic Box, and you know as well as I do that that is not a pretty thing to see. Can you at least drag your lazy butt outta bed today?" Buffy yelled desperately, sighing in exasperation.

Dawn sighed, throwing her pillow across the room and, with surprising speed for someone so tired, took a shower that lasted only three minutes, rushed into her clothes, and ran down the stairs, nearly tripping on her backpack along the way.

She gazed with weariness at her impatient sister and sighed, muttering, "I'll get some food when we get there. Can we stop by—"

"No. We go to the school, drop you off, and I floor it to the Magic Box pronto." Her sister cut her off tersely, showing the same sleep deprivation she had.

The toll of holding nightly watches proved to be extremely taxing to Dawn, and a slight increase in respect for her sister took hold, with her mentioning the difficulty of the job several times. When Buffy hurriedly threw her sister out of the car, she managed a quick goodbye before speeding off in the direction of Giles's store.

The day went by with only minor drama, as Dawn was late with an assignment yet again, and the classes heckled her half-asleep demeanor maliciously.

"If only they knew," she thought," how difficult being a mini-Slayer and a high school student was. Then they'd understand why I fall asleep in class. Try getting 3 hours a night in sleep and maintaining grades! I would think that saving the world would give me extra credit at least!"

As the school day passed, she ate her lunch in silence, awaiting the end of the school year so that she could save Sunnydale from vampires, demons, succubi, incubi, possessions, Lucifer, Buffy's love life, etc. without the encumbrance of teachers. When the school day ended at last, she ran over to the parking lot to await her sister's new black Toyota Corolla to pick her up. Then the fun would really begin.

When she saw the little black sedan screech into the parking lot, she leapt over the curb and into the open door, meeting her sister's perpetual bad mood look worse than usual.

"What's wrong this time? Spike being an ass again? Giles being a Brit again? What's the problem?"

"Oh, we've been getting reports of increased vamp activity downtown, and the Council is apparently sending in a Vatican official to help us out. Giles did his snort at the communiqué we got, muttering, 'Bloody Catholics' constantly. Wanna get something to eat? I'm giving Giles a break before we get back to research and the wait for the Vatican guy to come."

She was extremely surprised at her sister's generosity, but didn't comment on it, for fear of her reneging on it. They went over to the local fast food place and she ordered her favorite burger, fries, and a chocolate milkshake.

Buffy looked at her sister's food choices and suggested, in between bites,

"You should really start thinking about eating better—it'll keep you in shape for Slayer work."

Dawn looked up, shrugged, and stated,

"Well, it's my body, and I can choose whether I wanna be fat or anorexic. Plus, it's really hard for me to gain weight anyway, so I don't worry."

They continued to eat in modest silence that was punctuated by her sister's sighs of exhaustion, and the occasional "Hey!" as Dawn and Buffy both stole each other's fries.

When they drove to the tiny magic store that Buffy's ex-Watcher owned, Buffy winced as she saw a very exhausted Giles look at them with intense impatience in his eyes.

"Well, it's about bloody time that you would show up. I need you to clean the back room, vacuum the carpets, dust the shelves, and put away all of the blatantly pagan memorabilia."

"Well, we certainly have a cheery mood today; first Buffy is pissed, then Anya feels sick, now Giles and Dawn are both joining in on this lovely bandwagon," Xander commented with slight disdain, putting on an attempt at a cheery smile.

Dawn's heart fluttered slightly. Xander always made things better to her, with his sophisticated humor, cynically optimistic outlook on life, charm, and good looks. This crush she had on him lasted since their first meeting and never faded, though Xander was always hanging on Anya's arm like a puppy, while the ex-demon never showed true love with him.

As they primped and polished the store in anticipation of the mysterious Vatican official, Dawn made several attempts to get close to Xander by doing whatever chore he was. Anya came in, wearing her usual fake smile on her face, revealing the true bitch only in her eyes, and broke the imaginary couple up almost instantaneously.

The group waited anxiously for several hours, hoping he or she would get over there soon, so that they could kick him or her out as soon as possible. After several more hours, Buffy broke the tense silence by announcing,

"I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm gonna go on patrol for awhile."

"Hey, can I come with?" Dawn asked, anxious to stay away from Anya.

"I'm not so sure; you are kinda reckless when you are on patrol…"

"Pleeeeeeeease? I'll make sure I'm careful this time!"

Buffy sighed after Dawn continued to whine and said,"

"Alright. But I make the rules, Got it?"

Dawn grinned and nodded, running to Buffy's car.

As they passed the familiar spots of town known for not-quite-holy activity, they noticed the distinct feeling of being watched. When they saw an unsavory vampire accosting a woman, they kicked into Slayer mode and leapt out of the car, stakes at the ready.

"I thought everyone knew that it was impolite to mug a woman, but looks like I'm wrong," Buffy announced with a tinge of overconfidence.

"Yeah, I guess we're gonna have to teach him this lesson, right sis?" Dawn piped in, to herself ever sounding like the younger sister.

They lunged in, grabbing the vampire by the arms, and throwing him against the wall, with the combined strength of an Olympic bodybuilder. Dawn ran in, stabbing her prey in the chest, and smiling viciously as he disintegrated into dust.

All of a sudden, though, three more vampires came, all looking like football linemen. When Dawn grappled with one, a flash caught her vision as a bullet entered the vampire's heart, exploded, and disintegrated him instantly. She wheeled around in the direction of the blast, but was swiftly knocked unconscious by another vampire. Buffy saw a tall, hooded figure putting away a bright silver pistol, muttering a faint, but audible "amen."

This figure then put two more shots into the vampires, dusting them all with cold, surgical precision. He looked at Buffy, nodded, and ran off with a billow of his cloak, leaping onto the tops of buildings, seemingly in the direction of Giles's store. She picked up Dawn after bringing her back to consciousness, threw her into the car, and floored it to the Magic Box.

When they arrived, the man had not come there yet, so Buffy related the scene to the rest of the group while catching her breath because of the excitement.

Xander asked, "So, this guy said, 'amen'? That sounds a lot like something a Catholic guy would say after dusting a vamp. Ya think that this is the Vatican guy we are expecting?"

Giles nodded, stating, "The Catholics often say prayers during vampire hunts to increase their power, so perhaps you are right; this may be the man we are waiting for. Silver is, after all, the only metal that hurts vampires, and the Vatican would obviously know this information."

The snort following this information relayed Giles's disgust with Catholicism in perfect clarity, and at that moment, the sound of someone clearing his or her throat loudly shattered the moderate silence. Everyone wheeled around to see a tall man with his hood down at his neck, looking upon them with perfect calm.

"Hello, I take it this is the 'Magic Box'?" said the man with a youthful baritone laden with a strong British accent, combined with a hint of Irish.

"Indeed it is. My name is—"

"Rupert Giles. I remember you at the meetings and, er, other places. Care to let me out of the cold?"

Giles then remembered his manners and invited him in. After he walked in graciously, the stranger scanned the group around him. After a long silence, he spoke with the same Irish-tinged British accent, lilting from time to time,

"Name's Father Donovan G. O'Lennain, Grand Paladin of the First Hunter's Council and lead martial advisor to Pope Benedict XVI. Remember me now, old friend?"

Giles's eyes went wide for a second; then he walked over in disbelief, sputtering,

"Y-You can't be Donovan, can you? It's been forty years since we last met, and you haven't aged a bloody day!"

"The Vatican takes good care of their highest ranking members, VERY good care. Mind if I have a wee drink? It's been a helluva trip over here…the traffic is horrendous."

Donovan's calm glow captured Dawn's eyes instantly, enrapturing her with his quick wit, calm voice, and even calmer demeanor. After Giles came in with some Irish coffee, he sat down, savoring the coffee, continuing,

"You make as good a pot o' coffee as ever, Ripper, old friend. But on a more serious note, I'm here to serve as advisor and aide for a period of time as the Vatican and the Council see fit. The increase in the vampire population and activity is concerning us all, and given Sunnydale's reputation for supernatural activity, it's only fit that we start our American campaign at the Hellmouth. That, and there is a spot of convenience in having one of the greatest Hunters living in Los Angeles."

Buffy asked, "You live in LA? How's that work out?"

"Well, given that I live in one of the older sectors of town, and am older myself, I've snagged some rather good property not far from Olympic Park. There is a rather large building north of the Park that looks abandoned; that's my "Fortress" as I call it."

"Oh, so you own an older lot and maintain it. But what about the gangs?"

"Them? Oh, they're no problem. If I simply brandish one of my guns, they run like scared little babies. Gangs are nothing to an old fighter like me."

The group nodded, remembering Buffy's description of the silver pistol he used to take down three vampires. At that moment, Spike came in the door, ready to do patrol, but stopped dead in his tracks as he saw Donovan in the chair. They locked eyes for thirty seconds, both with furious disbelief. The first to break the stare was Donovan, swinging his arms out, now wielding two of the silver handguns and aiming them at Spike, his face contorting with rage.

Dawn was extremely frightened by the look of pure and unfettered hatred in Donovan's eyes as he growled,

"William. How dare you make your foul presence known in front of me! I'm not gonna let you slip by this time!"

He aimed both guns at Spike and prepared to pull the trigger when Buffy sprinted in front of them at just the right time. She yelled,

"What's wrong with you two? Spike, do you know this guy? And why the hell is he calling you 'William'?"

Spike first spoke, his eyes never leaving the large barrel of the even larger pistol,

"Well, if you didn't already know, my name is William; I just go by Spike after my old style of murder: with a railroad spike. Now can you make the Catholic monster put his toys down?"

Donovan was close to pulling the trigger when Giles spoke up sharply,

"Don, put your guns down, now. Spike is on our side now; he's proved invaluable in many situations. Don't let your grudges get in the way of your job."

Donovan laughed derisively, snorting,

"On our side? You mean your side; he'll never be on my side, after what he did."

He then sighed, hung his head, and put his guns away, collapsing on the armchair behind him. He saw Dawn for the first time, and his eyes went wide for a moment before catching himself, looking down quickly. After another long pause, he said,

"Well, we might as well introduce ourselves. As you know, my name is Father Donovan Grady O'Lennain, and I work as a top official at the Vatican. I was born outside of Belfast, Ireland and was raised in London before joining the Society of Peter, also known as the Hunters. Some of you will doubtless research my records, and I will tell you now, don't try; they're locked up in the Secret Archives, with only one copy on a remote computer database under top encryption. Not even a certain Willow Rosenberg will be able to hack it."

At the mention of her name, Willow spoke up, asking, "How did you know my name?"

"Well, you are rather well-known in the Wicca community, as well as a bit notorious for eleven hundred attempts at hacking the Vatican Secret Archives, among other information repositories. I am rather impressed at your skill, Miss Rosenberg, if I may say so."

Willow smiled sheepishly at the mention of her skill, but Tara then spoke up,

"If you know Willow, Spike and Giles, what about the rest of us? Do you know every intimate detail about US?"

"If I may say so, you are being rather belligerent with your questions, Miss Tara—"

"See?"

"Oh, dear; I might as well admit it—I did a background check on Buffy when I was researching in the Archives, and I found all of you, so I do know what is stated in the dossiers on you. And I will overlook your, er, preferences if you catch my meaning."

He finished the last statement looking between Willow and Tara, and his meaning was well demonstrated. When things calmed down, he looked in the direction of Anya and Xander, saying,

"I'm rather curious as to how you got to be engaged to one of the most notorious demons in America, if not the world, Mr. Harris."

Xander blushed, saying, "Um, it's a long story, and we kinda need to get moving on saving the world one walking leech at a time."

Donovan looked at his watch quickly, and his eyes widened, saying, "Indeed it is. Well, I'm going to help you tonight, just to show why my nickname is 'Slaughterhouse' O'Lennain."

He walked out the door, placing the coffee mug on the table. Dawn noticed that it looked hardly touched. This bothered her for a moment, but quickly blamed it on her lack of sleep.

When they got out to the street, Xander, Spike and Giles all dropped their jaws at the sight of a gorgeous car, blood-red, and positively dripping with power.

Donovan opened the door of the sports car and grinned, saying,

"Like the car? It's a modestly new one; a Mercedes SL 55 AMG, with more modifications and aftermarket parts than you can wave a stick at. It's my baby, and only I can drive it."

When he got in the car, he looked at the empty seat, and called out,

"Um, I've got a free seat if anyone wants a ride—just don't eat or drink in here, I just got it detailed."

Dawn jumped at the chance to drive with this alluring man, running over without even consulting Buffy beforehand, leaping into the passenger seat, smiling widely. Donovan looked at her for a moment, and smiled, quickly saying,

"Well, looks like the next big Slayer wants to drive with little ol' me. Hold on, little one, cuz this is gonna be a really wild ride."

Donovan smiled with a passion she had not yet seen, as he turned the ignition, the whole car rumbling with the power of the V12 engine in front of them. He revved the engine a few times, making Dawn jump as the turbo valve decompressed loudly several times. He then swiftly shifted gears, and Dawn was immediately plastered to the back of the leather and neoprene bucket seats by g-force.

She looked at the speedometer, and gasped as she saw that they were going 180 miles per hour, screaming ahead of the rest of the group, the whole of Sunnydale passing by in a multicolored blur. Donovan's eyes darted to and fro with such speed that she could not see his pupils. The car seemed to be an extension of his will, with his fluid shifting, quick turning, and lightning-quick reflexes. When his eyes focused for a quick second, the car screeched to a halt, causing Dawn to nearly fall out of the harness-style seat belts.

He got out in a blur, and his eyes seemed to glow with excited anticipation, and he thrust his two long muscular arms out, and it seemed that two guns appeared from under his coat, ready to fire. She didn't see a vampire anywhere, but it seemed Donovan did. When he looked off to a corner, he aimed his guns; with a loud report, a large bullet exited the chamber with lethal force, spiraling toward the distant foe, exploding on contact, dusting it instantly.

Dawn's eyes grew wide with amazement at the skill and sheer ability of this man, and the rapture grew, a feeling of fierce power emitting from Donovan giving her an equally powerful sense of calm. She thought dazedly,

"This guy can't be human; he has eyes like a sniper scope, reflexes like lightning, and more firepower than an army battalion! What's his secret?"

As if Donovan picked up what she was thinking, he smiled and said, in a smiling tone of humility,

"Ya think I'm a wee more than human, eh? I guess I have honed my abilities a little over the years, what with the top-notch training at the Vatican. Wanna try m'guns a little? There's a vampire hiding in between the fences in the distance—get him."

He handed Dawn one of his pistols, and her arms nearly dropped to the ground with what felt like the heaviest guns she had ever carried. She managed to summon some strength, took aim, and pulled the trigger. The subsequent recoil pushed her back a few feet, causing an ungraceful fall on her bottom.

Donovan laughed, picking her up with one arm, grabbing the gun, and putting it back in his sleeve. He then continued, with a warm smile on his face,

"Just a bit stronger than the ones you're used to, am I correct? They're handmade by the best gunsmiths in the world; I'm surprised you're able to hold them—they weigh 40 pounds each! That's just the gun—the bullets are 14mm Full Metal Jacket explosive rounds containing blessed sliver. They'll stop just about anything short of a tank. Useful little beauties, right?"

Donovan's laugh made her feel warm inside, as if she felt nothing could be wrong. It was similar to the feeling she got around Xander, only much stronger. She wanted to get near him, but seemed scared to do so. The episode with Spike made her wary of his emotional outbursts, yet she was still intrigued by this mysterious stranger, one who she knew she wanted to get to know better, yet was scared to do so.

As the rest of the gang arrived several silent minutes later, Dawn told them,

"Don't bother; we got them already. Donovan's amazing! He shot one from a mile away, and hit it right on the money! This guy's practically not human!"

The reaction she got was most definitely not the one she had intended—Spike and Giles both looked uneasily at each other, while Buffy and the rest looked disbelievingly at her.

Giles spoke up, his shifty look of unease suggesting a secret,

"Erm, I think we've done enough for tonight, right Don?"

Donovan shared the same secretive expression and nodded, adding,

"Maybe I'll do more damage next time—little Dawn here needs her beauty rest, as do us all."

As they drove home, Dawn gazed into Donovan's bright green eyes, the warm feeling of infatuation growing, as his stony gaze continued to hint at a deep secret.

When she got home, she plucked up the courage to hug Donovan, much to the surprise of Buffy and Giles. The surprise was hers when he gave a hug in return, giving her plenty to think about as she slowly fell asleep.

Hopefully I'll get more time to continue this masterpiece, but for now, I'll leave you guys hanging on this tiny cliffhanger…


End file.
